Tag Archives: love

The Time Before

  by Allie Bayat

When time has passed and the sun is set

and you’re old and tired from the life before

remember that dream of that day

of love and hope you once thought true

 

How many loved and thought you fair and wise

and adored the look of compassion in your eyes

There was one that loved your chaos

the one who smiled through all the fading moods

 

then he turned and looked away

forgetting all about that day

It was that adoration you thought right

that slipped across the sky and

disappeared into the night.

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Filed under Change, fear, passion, Phases, Poetry, sex

Once Upon a Time

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They say perception is reality. If that is so, then there is beauty in everything.
There is beauty in the darkness as well as in the light.

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Field Notes: “Dear Joe…this is what I happened today…or what I saw, thought or heard…”

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Sometimes when I am writing to him, or we talk about something, it inspires me to write. Those are usually the best times and the best ones. They are usually the ones where I dig deep. With him I let down my guard and am not just thinking, but feeling. I reach for deeper understanding. My field notes begin with “Dear Joe…this is what I happened today…or what I saw, thought or heard…”

I carry two books with me wherever I go. Both are addressed to the man in my life. He is my best friend, my muse and my confident, all wrapped into one. In one I do vent and just speak from emotions. Mostly it’s just saying things I don’t mean. The other is just me speaking to him, when I have no other way of connecting.  To me, he is my best friend. Right or wrong, that’s how it is. He’s my inspiration. Over the years, I’ve tried to distance myself from him and turn those feelings and connection into something different, something distant and disconnected. But, it isn’t just about feelings. Not for me. It’s about a place he holds in my life that is only of family. He is not replaceable and never expendable.

I have asked so many questions and looked beyond doctrine alone to understand this place, to examples and places beyond just what I am told. I can’t just believe without question. I have to know the why, how and what. I didn’t come back to my religion out of fear or hopes of some grand reward. I did so because I truly believe. Maybe I don’t seem to believe in the same sense as many people do or maybe not in the same manner as most. I didn’t do it through ritual or conservative dogma. I believe in the God who created us, gave us free will, expressed his most intimate concerns and expectations for us as people and a society. I believe in the God that taught us to love and gave us the ability to discern.

I don’t believe God put anyone in my path that has given me so much, for no reason. I have grown a lot in all the years since I met this man and that wasn’t something I did alone. That very much had to do with his coming into my life and being a part of it. It’s the biggest reason he matters beyond just emotions. It is why I believe he is in my life for a reason. He’s a blessing. Because he has made me a better person. I looked at all the aspects of my life. He has inspired me to grow and expand my worldview. He gave me wings and security so that I feel I can do anything. He helped me to progress and has shown me to love and look at myself in a critical way. He’s pushed me to be someone beyond who I was. He’s given me vision and helped me to have hope and believe. He is the reason I came back to God. I cannot ever see him as anything negative or have any regret. He is not a mistake. God put him in my life when I didn’t know I needed someone. He keeps him in it for a reason. No one has to tell me who he is in my life. I’ve known it a while. It’s why I came back to him. I do not see him as just sex or someone I love. He’s is beyond that in my life. Those are just the perks. I was once told that the definition of family is its members working to support, accept each other and see each other through. Whenever I think of him I can’t help but feel thankful, it’s always what I mean. When I become angry it’s always from fear. He’s someone I value and can’t imagine him not in my life. He is the one man I measure everyone against.

When he asked for another chance, I thought about it over and over. When he asked me to trust him again, I turned it all over looking for some kind of deception. Even when he expressed his feelings for me, his concerns and his struggles, although it scared me, I couldn’t turn away. I thought about all of it. I even thought to run. But, I pushed through those feelings and thoughts to try to be the woman who learned once again, that there is so much to life, to be grateful for all the gifts I’ve been given and to cherish every moment I’m bestowed.

He is my tether when I might just float away into my own world.

Sir Thomas Moore said it best, “You wouldn’t abandon ship in a storm just because you couldn’t control the wind.”

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The Burden of Muses

Zoroastrianism affirms EqualityI have to renew myself periodically. The curse of a writer. Writing isn’t enough until I find my truth; connect and expel all those feelings and thoughts. That’s why venting to you when I am being honest , truly honest and bearing my soul, not hiding behind some impenetrable wall, it makes me feel better, whether the release is anger or love.

It is when I am not genuine that I struggle the most. when I would lie or hide that I love you for fear It would push you away. For everything I say when I really say so much, it’s not really what is in my heart, I’m not being honest when I hide part of me; then I do doubt, struggle and hurt , because what I am really fighting is trusting my friend, to not run and hide or be here. In not being fair or honest with you or with me. What I am truly feeling and the things I obscure. by fear and control, because I feel there are things about me you don’t really like, so I shove all my feelings down. I let fear and control keep me from speaking  my mind. I is not your fault. It is mine. What I think I am feeling at the moment isn’t what I feel. It’s my own fear speaking.

The real fear is revealing too much of myself and feeling exposed. When I am honest with you in the most open way, you feel no anger , confusion or pain;  only the love, affection and trust and maybe that scared little girl that doesn’t believe-that anything matters or I am worthy of love.

at all—

I’m always too worried of what will you think… always too willing to edit my heart;  for fear that it doesn’t matter to you…you tell me not to be afraid to speak my mind with you, to just say what I feel.

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Everlasting Connection

by A.N. Bayat 2009

 

I’m not your forever

I’m your every once in

a while, when my heart

is weary and my body

aches and longs for your

affection, I can no

longer oppose you

 

I am your occasional

when my soul can no

longer breathe and

I can’t escape; when

the essence of me evokes

that taste of your lips

when it lures me closer at the

sight of your smile; when it

pulls you around me,and it

appeals for your touch

 

however I tear at our unending

bond and rip apart at your ardor

no matter how far, I can no longer

combat or build enough walls

 

My heart is continuous

this touch is for now

My ache is undying

these walls have obscured

 

All is ephemeral and

life is provisional

but my vow is persistent

even when my body

is diminished, you’ll

have my assurance that

my love is perpetual. 

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Phases of me: The Story of Change

Sometimes the story never changes. But, the characters evolve. They grow, their world view expands and it adds another layer to the story. Change is constant and inevitable.

Finding My Voice

1003379_593357574036369_1323029908_nChange is never easy. When you have to change a fundamental aspect of your personality it can set your world askew. A long time ago I decided to live my life on my terms, to stop trying to be someone I was not. I was married very young and tried to be who he wanted me to be. I was still learning about myself and eagerly followed his guidance at first. For him he had this idea of what family would look like, the things you do, the things you say and how you behave. He even had a template for how we spent our daily lives. He like the idea of church without the morality of it. He was more about the traditions than the nuances. For the most part he was a good person, believed as I believed in integrity, trust, honesty and loyalty, but for him there…

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Sanctuary

Fallen Zoroastrian Angel

by A.n. Bayat 2008

 

In my diminutive cage

I sing-I sleep-I exist

You placed me, so gentle, loving and kind

Your prize-your treasure-your modest possession

 

You implored me

Held me apart

the occasional sip or treat

you looked at me and smiled-satisfaction

 

Walked away

I will pet you another day

 

Laid my bedding with furs and feathers

Nice and snug all warm at night

No fears

No worries

No thoughts of freedom

 

It kept me here

It kept me there

It kept me warm at night

Chasing any glimmer a’ blithe

 

A sound

A voice

A movement

Air- but a rush

 

I can’t see

But I can breath

I don’t crack

In my reserved

sacred shrine

 

I think-wonder

Oh please remember

Here I am

There you are

Where are we?

 

Lost in shadows

Without an echo

fixed in darkness

And tedium abound

 

Where did you go

Did conceal me from light?

Did you suspend my thoughts?

absolve me tonight?

 

I waited and looked

There was not even a hint

I waited and listened

As the silence exploded

Sounding so vile

livid And strong

 

What can I see?

But you and me

Lost in this shadow

And nowhere to be


I am a wraith

misplaced in the past

ethereal and primal

Is it all that endures?

 

Oh please and thank you

For the seldom reprieve

 

In and out

before the memories cool

then back again to the

silence and comfort

of my gold laden crate

 

I’m safe and forgotten

until another acquit

 

Open that door

but just a little ajar

I promise I promise

I’ll stay, not go far

 

back again

To the silence and comfort

Of my little, utopian

Abyss

 

Hot and weary

And all is well

Here we are

together again; awash

In our gilt set perdition

 

Just open it once

I’ll stay, I promise again

You’ll notice the

spread Of my wings

And long drawn out sigh

 

A long time ago

was caught by your eye

It was your smirk

that gilded that cage
It was those eyes

that snapped that

door shut

 

Just open a little

Come in for flash

Just a murmur, I promise

Maybe a trade for a time.

 

Don’t be afraid, come sit

for a while, let go of control

I promise, I promise

to make us both free.

 

This refuge-this haven

But, safety and peace

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