Tag Archives: Inspiration

Field Notes: “Dear Joe…this is what I happened today…or what I saw, thought or heard…”

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Sometimes when I am writing to him, or we talk about something, it inspires me to write. Those are usually the best times and the best ones. They are usually the ones where I dig deep. With him I let down my guard and am not just thinking, but feeling. I reach for deeper understanding. My field notes begin with “Dear Joe…this is what I happened today…or what I saw, thought or heard…”

I carry two books with me wherever I go. Both are addressed to the man in my life. He is my best friend, my muse and my confident, all wrapped into one. In one I do vent and just speak from emotions. Mostly it’s just saying things I don’t mean. The other is just me speaking to him, when I have no other way of connecting.  To me, he is my best friend. Right or wrong, that’s how it is. He’s my inspiration. Over the years, I’ve tried to distance myself from him and turn those feelings and connection into something different, something distant and disconnected. But, it isn’t just about feelings. Not for me. It’s about a place he holds in my life that is only of family. He is not replaceable and never expendable.

I have asked so many questions and looked beyond doctrine alone to understand this place, to examples and places beyond just what I am told. I can’t just believe without question. I have to know the why, how and what. I didn’t come back to my religion out of fear or hopes of some grand reward. I did so because I truly believe. Maybe I don’t seem to believe in the same sense as many people do or maybe not in the same manner as most. I didn’t do it through ritual or conservative dogma. I believe in the God who created us, gave us free will, expressed his most intimate concerns and expectations for us as people and a society. I believe in the God that taught us to love and gave us the ability to discern.

I don’t believe God put anyone in my path that has given me so much, for no reason. I have grown a lot in all the years since I met this man and that wasn’t something I did alone. That very much had to do with his coming into my life and being a part of it. It’s the biggest reason he matters beyond just emotions. It is why I believe he is in my life for a reason. He’s a blessing. Because he has made me a better person. I looked at all the aspects of my life. He has inspired me to grow and expand my worldview. He gave me wings and security so that I feel I can do anything. He helped me to progress and has shown me to love and look at myself in a critical way. He’s pushed me to be someone beyond who I was. He’s given me vision and helped me to have hope and believe. He is the reason I came back to God. I cannot ever see him as anything negative or have any regret. He is not a mistake. God put him in my life when I didn’t know I needed someone. He keeps him in it for a reason. No one has to tell me who he is in my life. I’ve known it a while. It’s why I came back to him. I do not see him as just sex or someone I love. He’s is beyond that in my life. Those are just the perks. I was once told that the definition of family is its members working to support, accept each other and see each other through. Whenever I think of him I can’t help but feel thankful, it’s always what I mean. When I become angry it’s always from fear. He’s someone I value and can’t imagine him not in my life. He is the one man I measure everyone against.

When he asked for another chance, I thought about it over and over. When he asked me to trust him again, I turned it all over looking for some kind of deception. Even when he expressed his feelings for me, his concerns and his struggles, although it scared me, I couldn’t turn away. I thought about all of it. I even thought to run. But, I pushed through those feelings and thoughts to try to be the woman who learned once again, that there is so much to life, to be grateful for all the gifts I’ve been given and to cherish every moment I’m bestowed.

He is my tether when I might just float away into my own world.

Sir Thomas Moore said it best, “You wouldn’t abandon ship in a storm just because you couldn’t control the wind.”

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Filed under Anthropology, Art, Communication, Love, Muse, passion, Poetry, The Burden of Muses, Writer, writing

All of You

by A.N. Bayat

I remember the exact moment I fell for you. I already liked you.

Angels-fallen-angels-10622317-800-504_thumb.jpgI was sitting against a counter shirking my duties and friends, messaging with you and talking to you on the phone at the same time. You were deployed as usual. You began joking about being with me. I tried to play it off and change the subject. You wouldn’t let me. You wanted me to back up and talk about it. You saw that moment, that opportunity and you weren’t going to let it pass. You pushed and you wanted. The asking left me speechless and afraid to move in any direction. 

You are so stubborn when you want me. You don’t take no for an answer. You don’t let me run, hide or disappear . Every time you ever do that, you make my heart beat faster…fear? Excitement? Frustration? Either way you do.

…I love that about you. 

I looked up that day, that moment and  I suddenly didn’t know what to do. There you were all stubborn and determined. Letting me know what you wanted. 

I didn’t fall for the words or promises. I didn’t fall for nice language…

You gave me this very open and sincere request to know what I wanted, because you already knew what you wanted and you wanted to hear in words, that I  wanted what you wanted. You wanted an assurance that we were on the same page…the tone of your voice wanting to know…holding me to listen not to run or back track, letting me know how you felt…waiting for my response. I could almost feel you holding your breath as I held mine. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry, make a joke-anything to break that hold. You held me with your silence…waiting for an answer.

All I could think was that silly way you said hello every time I answered the phone, or the sound of your voice when you called me the strangest things and it still made my day. I thought about your silliness with an undercurrent of mischief, even the meanness that made me mad at times and brought me to tears…I wanted

walllartsexyIt wasn’t pretty words or promises; I fell in love with that stubborn, determined man that refused to take no for an answer, that can hold me with his very presence, that takes no shit from me, but does it in the most careful way; moves me, handles me in such a way that lets me see without wanting to control anything. I fell in love with that strength and stubbornness in you that makes me feel safe…that ability to confound me, confuse me, annoy me and all of the above; I have learned to love, like and accept over the years.

Through all the craziness and frustrations of adjusting to the comings and goings, the misunderstandings, good, bad, easy, difficult and last minute changes…in my life; it’s been that man with the determination , stubbornness and unwillingness to let me fall, that keeps me going.

You my dear, get better with age in every way. You are sexier than the day I met you. I love all of you, even the pain in the ass part.

… I now have a new favourite image of you in my head-Sexy.

You scare me, thrill me and make me so mad sometimes…but ya know…

– A 

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Filed under Love, passion, Poetry, sex

Inspiration

I’ve been in love and loved. I’ve had a life and lived it. I’ve been a mother and that is one of the greatest things I’ve done. In the past few days it came together and I came to realize that all the things I love and make me whole are about how I feel about the things I do in life.

That creative spirit -that thing that would “kill my soul,” is something holding me down and keeping me from soaring. My children they helped me find that freedom to expand to grow and to soar. The love of my life he has always helped me to spread my wings and be unafraid, to let go of everything that scares me that keeps in place and makes me shut off. He’s helped me to open my heart, my life and my mind.

The common thread of the things and people I love the most in my life have helped me become free and nurtured my nomadic spirit. They’ve given me wings and lifted me up. They’ve helped me grow.

They’ve helped to set me free, to reach the sky and never touch the ground.

They’re my true inspiration.

I awaken at night, because I suddenly have an idea and I need to write it down. I get a moment of understanding and clarity. The truth is that no matter what I do or where I go, I live in my head, I close my eyes and experience and explore with all my senses. I got that moment standing barefoot in the icy waters of the Atlantic coast, as I waited for the sun to rise. There is a true difference between someone who sits in a room to write/report and writers like me who have to get out and explore and experience. We live in the moment, experience and share- Maybe not a traditionalist but older than time. I’m not afraid to take a chance. I’m an explorer.

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”-Franz Kafka

We live not only in a world of thoughts, but also in a world of things. Words without experience are meaningless.-Vladimir Nabokov

As an intern I met Kaplan who quoted Vladimir Nabokovr and von Goethe. I had to look up the quotes in those days there was no Google. I guess I should know who that was.

“The person born with a talent they are meant to use will find their greatest happiness in using it.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I write because it’s my connection, to the past, to the present and to myself. Sometimes I get bogged down by the daily routines, the obligations and the mundane. My inspiration comes from those around me, the things I do and the way I feel most days. There were those muddled moments when I needed focus or perspective. I knew I could always count on him. I know I can always count on him. There were the moments where I forgot to feel lost just because before I could, one of my sons seemed to know or remind me. The important people in my life just naturally pull me away from the things that would make me feel lost or disconnection. They seem to know me even the youngest family member knows exactly how to make me smile.

I think we all want to be connected. We want our freedom, to choose our lives, but at the same time we want things chosen for us. We want it simple. We are so disconnected from each other we yearn to be connected to others. Social Media, the Internet itself, it all gives a false sense of meaningful connections. It makes us feel connected. Those false connections keep us from making real connections. It keeps us from growing and filling those voids. We keep our social media open even when we’re on the move, then we can tweet our locations and our actions, we can read our Facebook walls and feel as if we’re not alone. But in doing that, we don’t look up and we’re missing the world right before us. We’re missing the true joy of real experiences of real freedom, because although we are no longer chained to our homes, we are now chained to those phantom connections that keep us looking down and onto our phones not living the experience, not tasting, hearing, seeing or feeling.

If we have a story to tell or a life to live, even if we have one to share we first must let go of the technology and live it. It will still be there when you come back, those “friends” to share those experiences. But you might find when you have real friends and real experiences outside of cyberspace that somehow life opens up and inspiration arises. The void may be filled with real meaningful connections, and experiences.

I was thinking as I was walking down the beach this weekend. At first during the sunrise everyone I saw walking toward the ocean was just watching. Later walking down the beach I began to notice a different group begin to ascend on the beach, just random groups but everyone was looking down at their screens, missing the beautiful view. There were a few who looked up long enough to take a selfie. It was the early rises, the ones that came for the sunrise that were really paying attention.

I know I’ve been MIA a couple of weeks. It helped me to disconnect from technology for a while. I felt focused and restored for a moment. I felt happy and alive. Maybe it was the cold water swirling against my bare feet or the soft calm movement of the waves. It was peaceful. It helped that my phone was dead the majority of the time, but I just couldn’t seem to care. It’s a good idea to just put it all away, and leave the responsibilities behind.

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March 26, 2014 · 3:19 am

Conversation and Inspiration

I love those creative moments when I let go of the thoughts to create the thoughts and ideas. When I learn to embrace creativity and play I gain perspective.

Talking to an old friend made me realize that in the miasma of the drama and chaos I’d focused too much on the solutions than the inspirations.

What are you reading? Listening to? Watching? Experiencing? All the art that we take in affects our own creative expression, whether it’s hung on a museum wall or found on the sidewalk. Be mindful of the art and ideas—the mental food—you are consuming. -unknown

The negative people in my past consumed my energy. I had the wrong focus and have turned that from degradation to inspiration.

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

In the before I’d never let anyone walk into my home with dirty feet. I’d associate with different people but different people that had ideas, and conversations. Conversations feed the mind and spark creativity.

Have you ever thought about it? We want to be famous as a writer, as a poet, as a painter, as a politician, as a singer or what you will.

Why? Because we really don’t love what we are doing.

If you loved to sing, or to paint or to write poems, if you really loved it you would not be concerned with whether you are famous or not.

To want to be famous is tawdry, trivial and stupid, it has no meaning; but, because we don’t love what we are doing, we want to enrich ourselves with fame.

Our present education is rotten because it teaches us to love success and not what we are doing. The result has become more important than the action.

You know, it is good to hide your brilliance under a bushel, to be anonymous, to love what you are doing and not to show off. It is good to be kind without a name. That does not make you famous, it does not cause your photograph to appear in the newspapers. Politicians do not come to your door.

You are just a creative human being living anonymously, and in that there is richness and great beauty.

  -From The Book of Life by J. Krishnamurti 

By Martin Rangelov

By Martin Rangelov

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/11/all-healthy-relationships-have-hiccups/

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said:

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

Ideas are where it all comes together. I let go of many of my old friends because of shame. Shame of associating with someone I didn’t feel was good enough for me or for those that mattered to me. The negative person in my past was right. I kept him away from my closest friends and limited his contact with my family to only the most necessary. I avoided spending holidays with my friends and family to avoid having him associate with them.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t good enough because of race, religion or social or economic status. He wasn’t good enough because his character wasn’t good enough for those that mattered to me most. Instead of being honest with myself of that fact or maybe I didn’t allow that thought to form until now, the realization of it, but I learn something new about myself every day and about life in general. I’d allowed myself to associate with someone that I didn’t respect and whom I didn’t feel was good enough for me. It wasn’t about drugs or alcohol. I have friends who drink and I’m sure in the creative crowd and even in the scholarly one there are people that do things I wouldn’t but the difference in character.

The things that weigh down my thoughts and my mind were suddenly gone the day I put him out. I could breathe again, surround myself with people again and even find comfort in my solitude again. I found laughter and play again.

Bound to be unbound

I’ve never wanted to be famous. I don’t need the spotlight. I just want to be.

https://abayatfindingmyvoice.com/about-me/

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Filed under Art, Culture, Poetry, Relationships