I have to renew myself periodically. The curse of a writer. Writing isn’t enough until I find my truth; connect and expel all those feelings and thoughts. That’s why venting to you when I am being honest , truly honest and bearing my soul, not hiding behind some impenetrable wall, it makes me feel better, whether the release is anger or love.
It is when I am not genuine that I struggle the most. when I would lie or hide that I love you for fear It would push you away. For everything I say when I really say so much, it’s not really what is in my heart, I’m not being honest when I hide part of me; then I do doubt, struggle and hurt , because what I am really fighting is trusting my friend, to not run and hide or be here. In not being fair or honest with you or with me. What I am truly feeling and the things I obscure. by fear and control, because I feel there are things about me you don’t really like, so I shove all my feelings down. I let fear and control keep me from speaking my mind. I is not your fault. It is mine. What I think I am feeling at the moment isn’t what I feel. It’s my own fear speaking.
The real fear is revealing too much of myself and feeling exposed. When I am honest with you in the most open way, you feel no anger , confusion or pain; only the love, affection and trust and maybe that scared little girl that doesn’t believe-that anything matters or I am worthy of love.
I’m always too worried of what will you think… always too willing to edit my heart; for fear that it doesn’t matter to you…you tell me not to be afraid to speak my mind with you, to just say what I feel.