Tag Archives: A.N. Bayat

The Burden of Muses

Zoroastrianism affirms EqualityI have to renew myself periodically. The curse of a writer. Writing isn’t enough until I find my truth; connect and expel all those feelings and thoughts. That’s why venting to you when I am being honest , truly honest and bearing my soul, not hiding behind some impenetrable wall, it makes me feel better, whether the release is anger or love.

It is when I am not genuine that I struggle the most. when I would lie or hide that I love you for fear It would push you away. For everything I say when I really say so much, it’s not really what is in my heart, I’m not being honest when I hide part of me; then I do doubt, struggle and hurt , because what I am really fighting is trusting my friend, to not run and hide or be here. In not being fair or honest with you or with me. What I am truly feeling and the things I obscure. by fear and control, because I feel there are things about me you don’t really like, so I shove all my feelings down. I let fear and control keep me from speaking  my mind. I is not your fault. It is mine. What I think I am feeling at the moment isn’t what I feel. It’s my own fear speaking.

The real fear is revealing too much of myself and feeling exposed. When I am honest with you in the most open way, you feel no anger , confusion or pain;  only the love, affection and trust and maybe that scared little girl that doesn’t believe-that anything matters or I am worthy of love.

at all—

I’m always too worried of what will you think… always too willing to edit my heart;  for fear that it doesn’t matter to you…you tell me not to be afraid to speak my mind with you, to just say what I feel.

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Filed under fear, Love, Muse, The Burden of Muses, Truth

All of You

by A.N. Bayat

I remember the exact moment I fell for you. I already liked you.

Angels-fallen-angels-10622317-800-504_thumb.jpgI was sitting against a counter shirking my duties and friends, messaging with you and talking to you on the phone at the same time. You were deployed as usual. You began joking about being with me. I tried to play it off and change the subject. You wouldn’t let me. You wanted me to back up and talk about it. You saw that moment, that opportunity and you weren’t going to let it pass. You pushed and you wanted. The asking left me speechless and afraid to move in any direction. 

You are so stubborn when you want me. You don’t take no for an answer. You don’t let me run, hide or disappear . Every time you ever do that, you make my heart beat faster…fear? Excitement? Frustration? Either way you do.

…I love that about you. 

I looked up that day, that moment and  I suddenly didn’t know what to do. There you were all stubborn and determined. Letting me know what you wanted. 

I didn’t fall for the words or promises. I didn’t fall for nice language…

You gave me this very open and sincere request to know what I wanted, because you already knew what you wanted and you wanted to hear in words, that I  wanted what you wanted. You wanted an assurance that we were on the same page…the tone of your voice wanting to know…holding me to listen not to run or back track, letting me know how you felt…waiting for my response. I could almost feel you holding your breath as I held mine. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry, make a joke-anything to break that hold. You held me with your silence…waiting for an answer.

All I could think was that silly way you said hello every time I answered the phone, or the sound of your voice when you called me the strangest things and it still made my day. I thought about your silliness with an undercurrent of mischief, even the meanness that made me mad at times and brought me to tears…I wanted

walllartsexyIt wasn’t pretty words or promises; I fell in love with that stubborn, determined man that refused to take no for an answer, that can hold me with his very presence, that takes no shit from me, but does it in the most careful way; moves me, handles me in such a way that lets me see without wanting to control anything. I fell in love with that strength and stubbornness in you that makes me feel safe…that ability to confound me, confuse me, annoy me and all of the above; I have learned to love, like and accept over the years.

Through all the craziness and frustrations of adjusting to the comings and goings, the misunderstandings, good, bad, easy, difficult and last minute changes…in my life; it’s been that man with the determination , stubbornness and unwillingness to let me fall, that keeps me going.

You my dear, get better with age in every way. You are sexier than the day I met you. I love all of you, even the pain in the ass part.

… I now have a new favourite image of you in my head-Sexy.

You scare me, thrill me and make me so mad sometimes…but ya know…

– A 


Filed under Love, passion, Poetry, sex

Media Blackout as Southern Churches Burn

Via A.N. Bayaton Jul 3, 2015


American media focuses its attention on the Confederate flag conflict and other Confederate symbols while giving limited, if any, consideration as the south burns once again and eight southern churches are destroyed.

June has been the deadliest month for the black community since the 1963 Birmingham, Alabama burnings.

As news outlets across the world focus on history in the making, with the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage throughout the nation and the U.S. debate to remove confederate associated symbols from government facilities, Americans have also turned their attention to these historical events.

Our social conscious is proving to have limits, however, as after a long string of burnings, the eighth American church burns this week without the media attention or public outrage it deserves.

As of June 30, Mount Zion Ame Church in South Carolina is the seventh church to be set ablaze. All this in the wake of the killings of nine worshippers at Emanuel Ame Church in South Carolina on June 17 by self-proclaimed white supremacist Dylann Roof.

Within a week of that deadly massacre in Charleston, six southern churches had been set ablaze.

While the country debates the fate of the Confederate battle flag, its predecessors and any form of government representation of the long fallen confederacy, these atrocious burnings are but a slight mention in the current lexicon of political debate.

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Filed under civil liberties, Crime, Culture, justice, Politics, Religion

In my Modesty I am Judged: Hijabi on Mission

Via A.N. Bayat

on Jun 6, 2015


If a woman has a right to expose her body, she should also have the right to conceal it.

As the U.S. Supreme Court rules in favor of Samantha Elauf against Abercrombie & Fitch refusing her a job for wearing a hijab, I can only say that I suddenly felt that maybe we are moving one step forward as socially responsible people and that justice was served. It sends a message to all hijabis who struggle with these choices in the work place. There are many of us.

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Filed under Art, civil liberties, Community, Culture, Hijab, Islam, Love, Muslim, Poetry, Politics, Ramadan, Religion, theelephantjournal, women's rights

Grooming and Gaslighting

An Aostiakarmas Gaca

An Aostiakarmas Gaca

The light goes out. It’s on. It’s true

You look. You see. It’s off. Confused

You’re there. You’re not. He’s right; he says


What you see is not; you know

What you see is what he says; you know

What you think; you know

A lie; you know


It’s sad you grieve the lost

The boy, the child, he’s gone

He’s lost in shadow and light; he says

Find me, find me, a lie; he knows


The tears, the streaks, the pain; He says

The loss, the grief, the rage; He says

Find me, help me, save me Run; you know


It’s dark, it’s light, it’s bright; You know

It’s light, it’s dark it’s night; He says


The pain, it’s hot; you know

It’s fine, it’s fine, you’re wrong; he says

Save me, save me, I’m lost; he says

Tears and streaks and pain; you know


The child, he’s lost and gone; you know

Lost and hurt; he says

Rage and rage; you know

Save me, save me, I’m lost; he says

Run and hide; you know


The light goes out, it’s on; you know

The pain is hot and strong; you know


The grief is power and will; you know

He’s lost, he’s lost and gone; he says

Help me, help me, I die today; he says

The boy, the boy in pain; you know


The lost, the lost is gone; you know

The child is not a man; you know


Help me, help me confused; he says

I die, I die today; he says

Lost and lost run; you know

Anger, rage and pain; you know


The light comes on, it’s bright; you know

He cries and lies and dies; you know

The child, the man he’s bad; he says

Run and run the man is bad; he says


It’s true, it’s true, the sun is out; you know

It’s bright, it’s light and lost; he says

I lie, I lie and hurt; he says

Run and run and run; he says


She’s here, she’s here, I die today; he says

Run and run she’s here; he says

Pain and loss and rage; he says

Hide and hide and run; he says

-A. N. Bayat 2014

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March 1, 2014 · 4:03 am