Category Archives: passion

The Time Before

  by Allie Bayat

When time has passed and the sun is set

and you’re old and tired from the life before

remember that dream of that day

of love and hope you once thought true

 

How many loved and thought you fair and wise

and adored the look of compassion in your eyes

There was one that loved your chaos

the one who smiled through all the fading moods

 

then he turned and looked away

forgetting all about that day

It was that adoration you thought right

that slipped across the sky and

disappeared into the night.

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Filed under Change, fear, passion, Phases, Poetry, sex

Once Upon a Time

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They say perception is reality. If that is so, then there is beauty in everything.
There is beauty in the darkness as well as in the light.

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Field Notes: “Dear Joe…this is what I happened today…or what I saw, thought or heard…”

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Sometimes when I am writing to him, or we talk about something, it inspires me to write. Those are usually the best times and the best ones. They are usually the ones where I dig deep. With him I let down my guard and am not just thinking, but feeling. I reach for deeper understanding. My field notes begin with “Dear Joe…this is what I happened today…or what I saw, thought or heard…”

I carry two books with me wherever I go. Both are addressed to the man in my life. He is my best friend, my muse and my confident, all wrapped into one. In one I do vent and just speak from emotions. Mostly it’s just saying things I don’t mean. The other is just me speaking to him, when I have no other way of connecting.  To me, he is my best friend. Right or wrong, that’s how it is. He’s my inspiration. Over the years, I’ve tried to distance myself from him and turn those feelings and connection into something different, something distant and disconnected. But, it isn’t just about feelings. Not for me. It’s about a place he holds in my life that is only of family. He is not replaceable and never expendable.

I have asked so many questions and looked beyond doctrine alone to understand this place, to examples and places beyond just what I am told. I can’t just believe without question. I have to know the why, how and what. I didn’t come back to my religion out of fear or hopes of some grand reward. I did so because I truly believe. Maybe I don’t seem to believe in the same sense as many people do or maybe not in the same manner as most. I didn’t do it through ritual or conservative dogma. I believe in the God who created us, gave us free will, expressed his most intimate concerns and expectations for us as people and a society. I believe in the God that taught us to love and gave us the ability to discern.

I don’t believe God put anyone in my path that has given me so much, for no reason. I have grown a lot in all the years since I met this man and that wasn’t something I did alone. That very much had to do with his coming into my life and being a part of it. It’s the biggest reason he matters beyond just emotions. It is why I believe he is in my life for a reason. He’s a blessing. Because he has made me a better person. I looked at all the aspects of my life. He has inspired me to grow and expand my worldview. He gave me wings and security so that I feel I can do anything. He helped me to progress and has shown me to love and look at myself in a critical way. He’s pushed me to be someone beyond who I was. He’s given me vision and helped me to have hope and believe. He is the reason I came back to God. I cannot ever see him as anything negative or have any regret. He is not a mistake. God put him in my life when I didn’t know I needed someone. He keeps him in it for a reason. No one has to tell me who he is in my life. I’ve known it a while. It’s why I came back to him. I do not see him as just sex or someone I love. He’s is beyond that in my life. Those are just the perks. I was once told that the definition of family is its members working to support, accept each other and see each other through. Whenever I think of him I can’t help but feel thankful, it’s always what I mean. When I become angry it’s always from fear. He’s someone I value and can’t imagine him not in my life. He is the one man I measure everyone against.

When he asked for another chance, I thought about it over and over. When he asked me to trust him again, I turned it all over looking for some kind of deception. Even when he expressed his feelings for me, his concerns and his struggles, although it scared me, I couldn’t turn away. I thought about all of it. I even thought to run. But, I pushed through those feelings and thoughts to try to be the woman who learned once again, that there is so much to life, to be grateful for all the gifts I’ve been given and to cherish every moment I’m bestowed.

He is my tether when I might just float away into my own world.

Sir Thomas Moore said it best, “You wouldn’t abandon ship in a storm just because you couldn’t control the wind.”

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Filed under Anthropology, Art, Communication, Love, Muse, passion, Poetry, The Burden of Muses, Writer, writing

Phases of me: The Story of Change

Sometimes the story never changes. But, the characters evolve. They grow, their world view expands and it adds another layer to the story. Change is constant and inevitable.

Finding My Voice

1003379_593357574036369_1323029908_nChange is never easy. When you have to change a fundamental aspect of your personality it can set your world askew. A long time ago I decided to live my life on my terms, to stop trying to be someone I was not. I was married very young and tried to be who he wanted me to be. I was still learning about myself and eagerly followed his guidance at first. For him he had this idea of what family would look like, the things you do, the things you say and how you behave. He even had a template for how we spent our daily lives. He like the idea of church without the morality of it. He was more about the traditions than the nuances. For the most part he was a good person, believed as I believed in integrity, trust, honesty and loyalty, but for him there…

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Elements of Unconditional Love

12932715_10207869414786148_4531591342755493520_n…I didn’t always have faith …even when you did. Maybe there were times, you didn’t either or maybe you always have. But, those are things I haven’t doubted in a very long time. So, it does unnerve me when we are shaken because it becomes a new worry.

 

 

 

 

I feel as if you hold such tight control of the situation that you are not trusting me to be here for you and maybe that’s my fault as well because of my reactions. You are who you are and you like control and I am who I am and I don’t always initially react well to things. It depends on how I am approached…I suppose. Whether I react well or not I have struggled with trust and you know why. But even with all that, I have afforded you a great deal of trust. In the past I have seen the way you handle us as something else altogether but you showing me some of what you go through has helped a lot in being here and not immediately defaulting to feelings of betrayal or deliberate humiliation as I did in the past. I feel as if we have a repeat pattern and it’s not the one I always believed it to be. I feel that maybe it is that control element. When we are not together, before we met and the years in between, you have no control over us, so you try hard to have it, to get me and keep me, possibility because of your feelings and/or attachment to me. Then things do change drastically when we do come together again, because you do seem to try to maintain control and keep the upper hand…I think that is the part that I feel because when you have control of the situation, you also have control over me in a sense, and the ability to hurt me. I didn’t trust you in the past as much as I do now. I still struggle and become afraid, but not in the same manner because I do trust you more.  You try to remain in control, so you don’t get hurt and so you can manage things, your feelings, my presence or the power of emotions…the things is, that really neither of us has control over the other in that sense; because we both care. I have known this a while but not afraid to allow you to take control of us because I trust you, not to hurt me or use it against me.

…don’t know if you are or not giving me credit for my ability to be here for you, or maybe you are giving me too much credit in my ability to withstand a lot. Maybe you know something about I don’t. Yes, we have been through a lot and gotten through a lot to still be here and maybe you see that as evidence that we always will…It took me a long to time to realize that us not being fragile centered around your feelings because you know how you feel and what you have been through to stay…and I guess you know that as long as you have those feelings we stay…the thing is that our history shows us that this was not on a whim, this wasn’t just us acting and making decisions on feelings alone. It wasn’t something that just happened. There was something that brought us together, something that made us strong and something that has kept us together even when we have no other ties to each other.

This is one of those things, where I feel if I just take it for granted or become complacent that I will lose…but that’s just what experience has taught me in general. I think a huge part of me doesn’t trust that anything works out because well because of a lot of things and maybe too young I saw how badly life can fall apart and how easily it can… I can’t help realizing how it has affected me and my choices.

I don’t expect that you have all the answers…well maybe I mostly do. I see you that way and sometimes do forget you are human and don’t always have all the answers. That is the me that looks up to you and leans on you. I guess sometimes when I ask you to respond, I am not asking for an explanation. I realized that maybe you may feel you have said all that you know or can say or even have answers to. Sometimes, all I want or expect is to know that you hear me and you are listening even if you don’t have the answers. Because in that way alone you make me feel better and are enough…

 

…your struggle is not about me. He said as well that some of your struggle is more of a control issue because you caring about me leaves you feeling vulnerable and not in complete control of your feelings. And like me when I discovered the same thing years ago…not having control of something in my life, especially my feelings, was terrifying to me. Where once I was afraid to love, now I am afraid to lose. I stopped struggling against my feelings and accepted them and only then did I have any control at all; by letting go of control and trusting my heart in your hands even when I am afraid (the pastor saw that when I didn’t. I am not used to being bested that way) …The thing is, I am not your enemy. this isn’t me against you. Neither of us has the upper hand when it comes to feelings. that’s why, I step back and don’t fight you for it. If you need it, then I can be without it. That’s me trusting you. I trust you to guard us, to guard my heart and protect it as you would your own…I fight, then you take control and I struggle some here and there…but I trust. I count on you.  I do lean on you.

The fear comes in waves and then I take a breath and then I just have faith. I let go of control.

“He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Mathew 17:20)

Because I have faith in general, even a modicum, I trust you with me.

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Show Me

___the_sorrow_lullaby____by_pagihariMaybe I don’t understand all you feel or do. I want to. Maybe I only see parts of you.

Show me your darkness and your light-I will embrace them just for you.

 

Maybe I get angry for all the things I don’t understand, but want to; the fears are mine. What can you do? Show me your struggles and all your fears.  I will love them too.

 

Maybe what I see are mine. It is only misunderstanding, not knowing what to do. Maybe it’s ME telling YOU- with me you always have a place to be. Show me the imperfect you, with thoughts and feelings of gains and losses. Don’t be afraid. I see you!

 

I feel helpless at times, for all the  things I cannot do…be there for you when you hurt, hold you when you need-selfish me. Show me those hidden parts of you. I may not have a right- those thoughts and feelings, I am not entitled to-Since forever I have waited-a call, a message, a visit…your voice…to know you’re ok…all is well…I’ll see you soon…

 

“It’s whatever. Who cares? I do” Show me your silent tears…I wanted to ask…but, no. Don’t be too serious. I  want no worries. Selfish, I know…”I want.”

 

I cannot know every part of you. I cannot understand all you feel, think or do…but I can love and accept all of you. Show me your fears and worries. Show me your darkness and your light. Show me your silent tears

 

I am going to get angry at times…but , can’t you see, I will be more afraid if I do not know…Show me your shadows. let me see all your fears.

 

Show me your struggles. Show me your hidden parts. I will love them just for you.

 

-A Bayat 2016

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Out of the Darkness

stock-photo-22949856-black-and-white-image-of-two-hands-reaching-outHe became a real presence in my life from the moment he stood in my door way, with those mischievous eyes and that knowing smile. From then on, I couldn’t imagine him not being in my life, part of my life and part of me. I was so nervous, annoyed, anxious, frustrated, every emotion tied into one, turned into itself and upside down. My skin was on fire and my head was a jumble of thoughts. My heart was beating in uncontrollable rhythms and he was hours late. I couldn’t decide whether to hug him or shake him. I was raw with emotion and he was cool as can be. The way he looked at me, his eyes following my every move. My frustrations turn to actions. I felt my hand on his cheek with a loud crack. He didn’t flinch. He never took his eyes off me. “The other cheek is jealous,” he said with that cool and controlled manner. Then that sudden expansive passion of raw emotions. He’s all things, all at once, perfection and imperfection. He is my chaos and my peace. He is my beacon and my light.

 

…all these years down the line and I cannot imagine my life without him.

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I am the calm before the storm. I am that terrible silence that will shatter your very soul.

We don’t drift apart. We tear at each other, trying to untangle the silken web of love, affection and passion. We try to undo the layers of happiness and pain. We thought we could run fast and far, it changed nothing, not distance, not time and not silence. It hurt and smothered our joys. It took us into a darkness and we became lost. Then he looked and I looked. It was a slip and a slight and that light in the darkness, that was YOU; That was ME; That was US. We’re inescapable, insatiable and invincible. We were inevitable.

He is part of me. I am part of him.

In the fiercest storm, you are my  haven.

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