…I didn’t always have faith …even when you did. Maybe there were times, you didn’t either or maybe you always have. But, those are things I haven’t doubted in a very long time. So, it does unnerve me when we are shaken because it becomes a new worry.
I feel as if you hold such tight control of the situation that you are not trusting me to be here for you and maybe that’s my fault as well because of my reactions. You are who you are and you like control and I am who I am and I don’t always initially react well to things. It depends on how I am approached…I suppose. Whether I react well or not I have struggled with trust and you know why. But even with all that, I have afforded you a great deal of trust. In the past I have seen the way you handle us as something else altogether but you showing me some of what you go through has helped a lot in being here and not immediately defaulting to feelings of betrayal or deliberate humiliation as I did in the past. I feel as if we have a repeat pattern and it’s not the one I always believed it to be. I feel that maybe it is that control element. When we are not together, before we met and the years in between, you have no control over us, so you try hard to have it, to get me and keep me, possibility because of your feelings and/or attachment to me. Then things do change drastically when we do come together again, because you do seem to try to maintain control and keep the upper hand…I think that is the part that I feel because when you have control of the situation, you also have control over me in a sense, and the ability to hurt me. I didn’t trust you in the past as much as I do now. I still struggle and become afraid, but not in the same manner because I do trust you more. You try to remain in control, so you don’t get hurt and so you can manage things, your feelings, my presence or the power of emotions…the things is, that really neither of us has control over the other in that sense; because we both care. I have known this a while but not afraid to allow you to take control of us because I trust you, not to hurt me or use it against me.
…don’t know if you are or not giving me credit for my ability to be here for you, or maybe you are giving me too much credit in my ability to withstand a lot. Maybe you know something about I don’t. Yes, we have been through a lot and gotten through a lot to still be here and maybe you see that as evidence that we always will…It took me a long to time to realize that us not being fragile centered around your feelings because you know how you feel and what you have been through to stay…and I guess you know that as long as you have those feelings we stay…the thing is that our history shows us that this was not on a whim, this wasn’t just us acting and making decisions on feelings alone. It wasn’t something that just happened. There was something that brought us together, something that made us strong and something that has kept us together even when we have no other ties to each other.
This is one of those things, where I feel if I just take it for granted or become complacent that I will lose…but that’s just what experience has taught me in general. I think a huge part of me doesn’t trust that anything works out because well because of a lot of things and maybe too young I saw how badly life can fall apart and how easily it can… I can’t help realizing how it has affected me and my choices.
I don’t expect that you have all the answers…well maybe I mostly do. I see you that way and sometimes do forget you are human and don’t always have all the answers. That is the me that looks up to you and leans on you. I guess sometimes when I ask you to respond, I am not asking for an explanation. I realized that maybe you may feel you have said all that you know or can say or even have answers to. Sometimes, all I want or expect is to know that you hear me and you are listening even if you don’t have the answers. Because in that way alone you make me feel better and are enough…
…your struggle is not about me. He said as well that some of your struggle is more of a control issue because you caring about me leaves you feeling vulnerable and not in complete control of your feelings. And like me when I discovered the same thing years ago…not having control of something in my life, especially my feelings, was terrifying to me. Where once I was afraid to love, now I am afraid to lose. I stopped struggling against my feelings and accepted them and only then did I have any control at all; by letting go of control and trusting my heart in your hands even when I am afraid (the pastor saw that when I didn’t. I am not used to being bested that way) …The thing is, I am not your enemy. this isn’t me against you. Neither of us has the upper hand when it comes to feelings. that’s why, I step back and don’t fight you for it. If you need it, then I can be without it. That’s me trusting you. I trust you to guard us, to guard my heart and protect it as you would your own…I fight, then you take control and I struggle some here and there…but I trust. I count on you. I do lean on you.
The fear comes in waves and then I take a breath and then I just have faith. I let go of control.
“He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Mathew 17:20)
Because I have faith in general, even a modicum, I trust you with me.