Category Archives: Love

Once Upon a Time

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They say perception is reality. If that is so, then there is beauty in everything.
There is beauty in the darkness as well as in the light.

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Field Notes: “Dear Joe…this is what I happened today…or what I saw, thought or heard…”

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Sometimes when I am writing to him, or we talk about something, it inspires me to write. Those are usually the best times and the best ones. They are usually the ones where I dig deep. With him I let down my guard and am not just thinking, but feeling. I reach for deeper understanding. My field notes begin with “Dear Joe…this is what I happened today…or what I saw, thought or heard…”

I carry two books with me wherever I go. Both are addressed to the man in my life. He is my best friend, my muse and my confident, all wrapped into one. In one I do vent and just speak from emotions. Mostly it’s just saying things I don’t mean. The other is just me speaking to him, when I have no other way of connecting.  To me, he is my best friend. Right or wrong, that’s how it is. He’s my inspiration. Over the years, I’ve tried to distance myself from him and turn those feelings and connection into something different, something distant and disconnected. But, it isn’t just about feelings. Not for me. It’s about a place he holds in my life that is only of family. He is not replaceable and never expendable.

I have asked so many questions and looked beyond doctrine alone to understand this place, to examples and places beyond just what I am told. I can’t just believe without question. I have to know the why, how and what. I didn’t come back to my religion out of fear or hopes of some grand reward. I did so because I truly believe. Maybe I don’t seem to believe in the same sense as many people do or maybe not in the same manner as most. I didn’t do it through ritual or conservative dogma. I believe in the God who created us, gave us free will, expressed his most intimate concerns and expectations for us as people and a society. I believe in the God that taught us to love and gave us the ability to discern.

I don’t believe God put anyone in my path that has given me so much, for no reason. I have grown a lot in all the years since I met this man and that wasn’t something I did alone. That very much had to do with his coming into my life and being a part of it. It’s the biggest reason he matters beyond just emotions. It is why I believe he is in my life for a reason. He’s a blessing. Because he has made me a better person. I looked at all the aspects of my life. He has inspired me to grow and expand my worldview. He gave me wings and security so that I feel I can do anything. He helped me to progress and has shown me to love and look at myself in a critical way. He’s pushed me to be someone beyond who I was. He’s given me vision and helped me to have hope and believe. He is the reason I came back to God. I cannot ever see him as anything negative or have any regret. He is not a mistake. God put him in my life when I didn’t know I needed someone. He keeps him in it for a reason. No one has to tell me who he is in my life. I’ve known it a while. It’s why I came back to him. I do not see him as just sex or someone I love. He’s is beyond that in my life. Those are just the perks. I was once told that the definition of family is its members working to support, accept each other and see each other through. Whenever I think of him I can’t help but feel thankful, it’s always what I mean. When I become angry it’s always from fear. He’s someone I value and can’t imagine him not in my life. He is the one man I measure everyone against.

When he asked for another chance, I thought about it over and over. When he asked me to trust him again, I turned it all over looking for some kind of deception. Even when he expressed his feelings for me, his concerns and his struggles, although it scared me, I couldn’t turn away. I thought about all of it. I even thought to run. But, I pushed through those feelings and thoughts to try to be the woman who learned once again, that there is so much to life, to be grateful for all the gifts I’ve been given and to cherish every moment I’m bestowed.

He is my tether when I might just float away into my own world.

Sir Thomas Moore said it best, “You wouldn’t abandon ship in a storm just because you couldn’t control the wind.”

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Filed under Anthropology, Art, Communication, Love, Muse, passion, Poetry, The Burden of Muses, Writer, writing

The Burden of Muses

Zoroastrianism affirms EqualityI have to renew myself periodically. The curse of a writer. Writing isn’t enough until I find my truth; connect and expel all those feelings and thoughts. That’s why venting to you when I am being honest , truly honest and bearing my soul, not hiding behind some impenetrable wall, it makes me feel better, whether the release is anger or love.

It is when I am not genuine that I struggle the most. when I would lie or hide that I love you for fear It would push you away. For everything I say when I really say so much, it’s not really what is in my heart, I’m not being honest when I hide part of me; then I do doubt, struggle and hurt , because what I am really fighting is trusting my friend, to not run and hide or be here. In not being fair or honest with you or with me. What I am truly feeling and the things I obscure. by fear and control, because I feel there are things about me you don’t really like, so I shove all my feelings down. I let fear and control keep me from speaking  my mind. I is not your fault. It is mine. What I think I am feeling at the moment isn’t what I feel. It’s my own fear speaking.

The real fear is revealing too much of myself and feeling exposed. When I am honest with you in the most open way, you feel no anger , confusion or pain;  only the love, affection and trust and maybe that scared little girl that doesn’t believe-that anything matters or I am worthy of love.

at all—

I’m always too worried of what will you think… always too willing to edit my heart;  for fear that it doesn’t matter to you…you tell me not to be afraid to speak my mind with you, to just say what I feel.

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Filed under fear, Love, Muse, The Burden of Muses, Truth

Everlasting Connection

by A.N. Bayat 2009

 

I’m not your forever

I’m your every once in

a while, when my heart

is weary and my body

aches and longs for your

affection, I can no

longer oppose you

 

I am your occasional

when my soul can no

longer breathe and

I can’t escape; when

the essence of me evokes

that taste of your lips

when it lures me closer at the

sight of your smile; when it

pulls you around me,and it

appeals for your touch

 

however I tear at our unending

bond and rip apart at your ardor

no matter how far, I can no longer

combat or build enough walls

 

My heart is continuous

this touch is for now

My ache is undying

these walls have obscured

 

All is ephemeral and

life is provisional

but my vow is persistent

even when my body

is diminished, you’ll

have my assurance that

my love is perpetual. 

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Phases of me: The Story of Change

Sometimes the story never changes. But, the characters evolve. They grow, their world view expands and it adds another layer to the story. Change is constant and inevitable.

Finding My Voice

1003379_593357574036369_1323029908_nChange is never easy. When you have to change a fundamental aspect of your personality it can set your world askew. A long time ago I decided to live my life on my terms, to stop trying to be someone I was not. I was married very young and tried to be who he wanted me to be. I was still learning about myself and eagerly followed his guidance at first. For him he had this idea of what family would look like, the things you do, the things you say and how you behave. He even had a template for how we spent our daily lives. He like the idea of church without the morality of it. He was more about the traditions than the nuances. For the most part he was a good person, believed as I believed in integrity, trust, honesty and loyalty, but for him there…

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Sanctuary

Fallen Zoroastrian Angel

by A.n. Bayat 2008

 

In my diminutive cage

I sing-I sleep-I exist

You placed me, so gentle, loving and kind

Your prize-your treasure-your modest possession

 

You implored me

Held me apart

the occasional sip or treat

you looked at me and smiled-satisfaction

 

Walked away

I will pet you another day

 

Laid my bedding with furs and feathers

Nice and snug all warm at night

No fears

No worries

No thoughts of freedom

 

It kept me here

It kept me there

It kept me warm at night

Chasing any glimmer a’ blithe

 

A sound

A voice

A movement

Air- but a rush

 

I can’t see

But I can breath

I don’t crack

In my reserved

sacred shrine

 

I think-wonder

Oh please remember

Here I am

There you are

Where are we?

 

Lost in shadows

Without an echo

fixed in darkness

And tedium abound

 

Where did you go

Did conceal me from light?

Did you suspend my thoughts?

absolve me tonight?

 

I waited and looked

There was not even a hint

I waited and listened

As the silence exploded

Sounding so vile

livid And strong

 

What can I see?

But you and me

Lost in this shadow

And nowhere to be


I am a wraith

misplaced in the past

ethereal and primal

Is it all that endures?

 

Oh please and thank you

For the seldom reprieve

 

In and out

before the memories cool

then back again to the

silence and comfort

of my gold laden crate

 

I’m safe and forgotten

until another acquit

 

Open that door

but just a little ajar

I promise I promise

I’ll stay, not go far

 

back again

To the silence and comfort

Of my little, utopian

Abyss

 

Hot and weary

And all is well

Here we are

together again; awash

In our gilt set perdition

 

Just open it once

I’ll stay, I promise again

You’ll notice the

spread Of my wings

And long drawn out sigh

 

A long time ago

was caught by your eye

It was your smirk

that gilded that cage
It was those eyes

that snapped that

door shut

 

Just open a little

Come in for flash

Just a murmur, I promise

Maybe a trade for a time.

 

Don’t be afraid, come sit

for a while, let go of control

I promise, I promise

to make us both free.

 

This refuge-this haven

But, safety and peace

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Elements of Unconditional Love

12932715_10207869414786148_4531591342755493520_n…I didn’t always have faith …even when you did. Maybe there were times, you didn’t either or maybe you always have. But, those are things I haven’t doubted in a very long time. So, it does unnerve me when we are shaken because it becomes a new worry.

 

 

 

 

I feel as if you hold such tight control of the situation that you are not trusting me to be here for you and maybe that’s my fault as well because of my reactions. You are who you are and you like control and I am who I am and I don’t always initially react well to things. It depends on how I am approached…I suppose. Whether I react well or not I have struggled with trust and you know why. But even with all that, I have afforded you a great deal of trust. In the past I have seen the way you handle us as something else altogether but you showing me some of what you go through has helped a lot in being here and not immediately defaulting to feelings of betrayal or deliberate humiliation as I did in the past. I feel as if we have a repeat pattern and it’s not the one I always believed it to be. I feel that maybe it is that control element. When we are not together, before we met and the years in between, you have no control over us, so you try hard to have it, to get me and keep me, possibility because of your feelings and/or attachment to me. Then things do change drastically when we do come together again, because you do seem to try to maintain control and keep the upper hand…I think that is the part that I feel because when you have control of the situation, you also have control over me in a sense, and the ability to hurt me. I didn’t trust you in the past as much as I do now. I still struggle and become afraid, but not in the same manner because I do trust you more.  You try to remain in control, so you don’t get hurt and so you can manage things, your feelings, my presence or the power of emotions…the things is, that really neither of us has control over the other in that sense; because we both care. I have known this a while but not afraid to allow you to take control of us because I trust you, not to hurt me or use it against me.

…don’t know if you are or not giving me credit for my ability to be here for you, or maybe you are giving me too much credit in my ability to withstand a lot. Maybe you know something about I don’t. Yes, we have been through a lot and gotten through a lot to still be here and maybe you see that as evidence that we always will…It took me a long to time to realize that us not being fragile centered around your feelings because you know how you feel and what you have been through to stay…and I guess you know that as long as you have those feelings we stay…the thing is that our history shows us that this was not on a whim, this wasn’t just us acting and making decisions on feelings alone. It wasn’t something that just happened. There was something that brought us together, something that made us strong and something that has kept us together even when we have no other ties to each other.

This is one of those things, where I feel if I just take it for granted or become complacent that I will lose…but that’s just what experience has taught me in general. I think a huge part of me doesn’t trust that anything works out because well because of a lot of things and maybe too young I saw how badly life can fall apart and how easily it can… I can’t help realizing how it has affected me and my choices.

I don’t expect that you have all the answers…well maybe I mostly do. I see you that way and sometimes do forget you are human and don’t always have all the answers. That is the me that looks up to you and leans on you. I guess sometimes when I ask you to respond, I am not asking for an explanation. I realized that maybe you may feel you have said all that you know or can say or even have answers to. Sometimes, all I want or expect is to know that you hear me and you are listening even if you don’t have the answers. Because in that way alone you make me feel better and are enough…

 

…your struggle is not about me. He said as well that some of your struggle is more of a control issue because you caring about me leaves you feeling vulnerable and not in complete control of your feelings. And like me when I discovered the same thing years ago…not having control of something in my life, especially my feelings, was terrifying to me. Where once I was afraid to love, now I am afraid to lose. I stopped struggling against my feelings and accepted them and only then did I have any control at all; by letting go of control and trusting my heart in your hands even when I am afraid (the pastor saw that when I didn’t. I am not used to being bested that way) …The thing is, I am not your enemy. this isn’t me against you. Neither of us has the upper hand when it comes to feelings. that’s why, I step back and don’t fight you for it. If you need it, then I can be without it. That’s me trusting you. I trust you to guard us, to guard my heart and protect it as you would your own…I fight, then you take control and I struggle some here and there…but I trust. I count on you.  I do lean on you.

The fear comes in waves and then I take a breath and then I just have faith. I let go of control.

“He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Mathew 17:20)

Because I have faith in general, even a modicum, I trust you with me.

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