By A.N. Bayat
(March 24, 2012)
I’m more than just a piece of paper or the diploma. I am more than just studies out of a book or any professor in a classroom. I’m a lifelong learner, as well as teacher of the human condition, past present and future. It’s not the career that makes me but the things I learn and take from my everyday observations and participation in life that surrounds me as well as my experiences.
I don’t see just the top layers of the world. I see all the intricate details that go into it. I’m curious and amazed by how it works, how it began as much as why. I don’t dwell in all the reasons why something is happening I usually want to get to the bottom of why it happened, to peel away the layers. I want to understand it. I have an insatiable curiosity for it.
The idea of “fun” to me isn’t about immediate gratification. “Fun” to me is about closing my eyes and allowing life to happen. As much as is it about opening them to see it for what it is to you. Life isn’t meant to be forced or manipulated. It’s meant to be lived and appreciated. I’ve always said I like to “go with the flow” how cliché, but for the most part it’s true. I’m a true free spirit. If you can’t see it, it’s because you’re only looking at the surface and not the whole of me.
I once had a professor tell me that I was “a free spirit.” I wasn’t meant for the corporate world, it would kill my soul. That sticks with me because she was right. I didn’t take a conventional route. I’m not a conventional person, simple yet not, a contradiction, maybe.
Happiness to me isn’t to be rich or famous. To me it’s only to be.
Being with me means seeing that there is beauty in the darkness as well as the light. In the worst times in my life I will turn inward and reflect, even seem to disappear then suddenly find the need to burst outward and feel experience and learn.
There are moments that you see me. I know. You once told me or had the realization that I take it all in. I took in your anger and your pain and made it my own. I did. But I won’t keep it or hold it. It’s not meant to be kept. It’s not meant to stay and fester in my heart or yours. It’s meant to be released.
You can’t force me to be who you first met. I am never the same from one moment to the next. I don’t stay the same. You just must let me be whoever I will be. I will never hide behind my pain. I won’t fall into a bottle. I don’t need anything to dull my senses. I like to feel it all. Don’t ever look down on me because then I will never look up to you. Don’t just tell me to smile, give me a reason.
There is more to me than what you think you see.