When I am sure about something, I have no fear. I am sure about me. I trust me. I know if I say something, decide something, set out to do something, it will happen.
Getting lost on a mountain…alone, it never occurred to me that I could die. It never occurred to me that I would not make it. When I was lost and alone in the rain, I remember thinking, how good it would feel just to lay there for a moment. I reminded myself that laying down, I’d never get up again–keep going.
This is just one of many moments. This one was a turning point. This is the moment that says a lot about me. This is how I fight to survive…I lock out emotions. I claw my way through it.
Some women need a man to lift them and help them get to the top. Sometimes I wish I was that woman. I could use the help and reprieve. But, everyone sees how strong I am and leaves me to do it. After, I was calm. I was quiet. I was in control. I was sick and in pain. I had gashes on my legs and arms, back, belly, shoulders. I looked in the mirror and was bloody and dirty. My hands were almost shredded and hurt to wash from grabbing the roots and clawing at the dirt to move. The water stung my hands. Dirt ground into my skin. My throat felt raw. I didn’t think I could eat…that climb got me past my moments and I looked up and realized “I’m over it.” Whatever I was feeling that I thought I needed or wanted, I no longer needed or wanted.
When I think of that day, I wish it never happened. You see, I was already strong. I was already tough. I just wanted to be normal, to have the same feelings, wants and needs as any other woman. I wanted to feel comfortable being vulnerable. Others made it look so easy. I wanted to be comfortable needing and just letting someone look out for me. I did not want to be the person that could climb a mountain, fall, become lost and survive. I didn’t want to be the woman who could fall and be so stubborn. I’d tear myself to pieces to get to the top. That time put me into perspective for me.
I am strong. It doesn’t mean I want it tested. That mountain didn’t break me. That fall didn’t stop me. So, now what?