by A.N. Bayat
I remember the exact moment I fell for you. I already liked you.
I was sitting against a counter shirking my duties and friends, messaging with you and talking to you on the phone at the same time. You were deployed as usual. You began joking about being with me. I tried to play it off and change the subject. You wouldn’t let me. You wanted me to back up and talk about it. You saw that moment, that opportunity and you weren’t going to let it pass. You pushed and you wanted. The asking left me speechless and afraid to move in any direction.
You are so stubborn when you want me. You don’t take no for an answer. You don’t let me run, hide or disappear . Every time you ever do that, you make my heart beat faster…fear? Excitement? Frustration? Either way you do.
…I love that about you.
I looked up that day, that moment and I suddenly didn’t know what to do. There you were all stubborn and determined. Letting me know what you wanted.
I didn’t fall for the words or promises. I didn’t fall for nice language…
You gave me this very open and sincere request to know what I wanted, because you already knew what you wanted and you wanted to hear in words, that I wanted what you wanted. You wanted an assurance that we were on the same page…the tone of your voice wanting to know…holding me to listen not to run or back track, letting me know how you felt…waiting for my response. I could almost feel you holding your breath as I held mine. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry, make a joke-anything to break that hold. You held me with your silence…waiting for an answer.
All I could think was that silly way you said hello every time I answered the phone, or the sound of your voice when you called me the strangest things and it still made my day. I thought about your silliness with an undercurrent of mischief, even the meanness that made me mad at times and brought me to tears…I wanted
It wasn’t pretty words or promises; I fell in love with that stubborn, determined man that refused to take no for an answer, that can hold me with his very presence, that takes no shit from me, but does it in the most careful way; moves me, handles me in such a way that lets me see without wanting to control anything. I fell in love with that strength and stubbornness in you that makes me feel safe…that ability to confound me, confuse me, annoy me and all of the above; I have learned to love, like and accept over the years.
Through all the craziness and frustrations of adjusting to the comings and goings, the misunderstandings, good, bad, easy, difficult and last minute changes…in my life; it’s been that man with the determination , stubbornness and unwillingness to let me fall, that keeps me going.
You my dear, get better with age in every way. You are sexier than the day I met you. I love all of you, even the pain in the ass part.
… I now have a new favourite image of you in my head-Sexy.
You scare me, thrill me and make me so mad sometimes…but ya know…